I've had this post brewing for some time, though I never had the courage to tempt fate and actually write it down. Now that we've climbed the mountain for the third time, I'd ask for you to indulge me.
Places like the AFL sub, bigfooty and other social media cesspools have always looked to diminish any Richmond achievement. Even this one. I do enjoy the schadenfreude of going to a rival club's bigfooty board and opening their 'non-club footy discussion' thread to read what they're saying about us.
I haven't put a wordcloud together, but here's a sample of the phrases that I think would appear most regularly:
"Hack kicks" "Rubbish football" "Stupid gameplan" "Weak era" "Would get flogged by " (one particularly salty Geelong supporter suggested that the 7/9/11 Cats would beat us by 15 goals - that's verbatim.) "If Martin wasn't..."
And it goes on like this.
Now, no doubt you guys, as I have will face similar scrutiny from work colleagues, friends and the peanut gallery on Facebook/TwitteWherever you choose to have your personal information farmed for corporate gain. So I'd just like to take a brief moment to list some of our achievements in our premiership years, and what the corresponding knocks on us from opposition supporters were.
(I'm leaving 2018 out for a little bit of brevity, and also because it still makes me physically ill to think about it to this day.)
2017:
Won our three finals by a collective margin of 135 points which included a 48-point Grand Final win against the raging favourite, a 36-point win over a team that was given every draft and salary cap concession imaginable and a 51-point win over a team which had beaten the snot out of us for years.
Let's not forget that Adelaide were so convinced that we were merely the observers of their glory that if legend is to be believed, they had already booked a seat for the cup on the flight home. That seat remained vacant, with not only the cup staying in Melbourne but the entire soul of that footy club.
What is most notable about this year was that it featured the birth of the Richmond we know now. Swarming, surging, suffocating. We played quick, we played close and we played all game. The hallmark of steamrolling teams in the back halves of games became routine in the latter part of the season. We had learnt to win. And we had learnt to win with only one key forward.
The goal of this year for me was from the qualifying final: Martin swatting Tom Stewart aside and starting a link up down the wing of the MCG for Prestia to connect at the end of the third quarter. It was my 33rd Birthday, too. Fair effort, considering the last time we played a final on my birthday Nick Duigan beat us from ninth and Tony Abbott got elected.
We had stars prior to 2017: Martin, Rance, Riewoldt, Cotchin.
But 2017 added a support class (which feels unfair, as a number of these players are genuine stars in their own right) of player that will go on to make this team what it is: Lambert, Edwards, Grimes, Vlastuin, Nankervis , Houli, Astbury and Prestia. We sent a boy to his idol, who slayed that giant with offensive flair and defensive nous.
I'm sure I'll get flamed for leaving some players out of this (even though I keep coming back and adding names). Remember, Shorty and Lynch weren't either on the list, or in this team yet.
What the knocks were:
- No injuries (this is the big one, was repeated ad nauseum) - Plucky, your stars carried an extremely average bottom six that had a good year. Do it again - 15-7 record 'wouldn't have been good enough for top 4 other years'
So we won the 2017 flag. But according to a lot of opposition supporters, it was a weak year and we had the most charmed run with injury conceivable. Do it again and we'll talk, they said.
2019:
Now it's important to remember the knocks on us from 2017. We're gonna be pretty emphatically answer those this year.
2019 we added Tom Lynch from free agency.
Game 1 of the season we lost our best, and arguably the game's best, key defender to a season ending knee injury. A defender that was simultaneously an overrated diver who didn't have an opponent and also the only chance we had of winning a second flag.
But it didn't stop there. Over the first half of the season we lost all of our stars to either niggling or more serious injuries; Riewoldt, Martin, Cotchin, Nankervis. This culminated in what is, for me, one of our most memorable victories over the last four years. We went over to Adelaide to play a Port side who were travelling pretty well without any of our 'big four.' Shane Edwards captained the team that night. We won, and players like Jack Ross, Kane Lambert and Tom Lynch showed that it was our system, our will and our team first mentality that was the most important facet of our success. It was a fantastic win.
Still, we limped to the midseason line with a (from memory) 5-6 or 6-7 record. Something like that. I'm too fragile today to dive that deep into the history.
Now, full disclosure - even I lost faith. I booked a trip to India that would see me in Mumbai for Grand Final day. I was/am a turncoat and a coward and I apologise to all my fellow Richmond supporters.
However, what happened after the bye was nothing short of incredible. We became an unstoppable, relentless machine. We won twelve consecutive games to take out the flag.
Geelong challenged us in the prelim and had us on toast at half time, but in what was (in my opinion) the most Richmondy of Richmond performances of this era, we absolutely pasted them in the second half. The goal where Jack contests deep in the forward line and instead of attempting the mark, taps it to the onrunning Martin who launches it into the stratosphere from the goal line is the essence of this team. It's what makes us the best. Go and rewatch it. Right now.
The Grand Final was a walk over. I watched it from my hotel room at 10 in the morning. But like any travel story, it's interesting to me and not to you. So I'll leave the rest out.
What's important is that we dismissed the key knock from 2017: we had overcome tremendous injury adversity this season. Yes, we assembled our best list (sans Rance,) by the end of the season. But we still fought and overcame injury adversity. Moreover, no one really ever talks about winning freakin' twelve in a row. Twelve. In. A. Row.
But you better believe the knockers still came. This time with a big one, a huge asterisk. A knock that everyone parrots, again and again and again:
Richmond can't win away from the MCG.
The fixture, the amount of MCG games, yada yada yada. You couldn't say 'Richmond flag' without the retort of 'How many MCG games in a row?'
So we won the flag. But only because the AFL gave us such an incredible fixture. We practically would have had to dissolve the club to not win this flag, with the amount of MCG games we had.
Before we get to this year, let's take a look at the knocks we have conquered:
- One Season Wonders
- Injury List Miracles
Can't win without the 'big four'
And the knock still standing:
Can't win away from the MCG
2020:
You see where I'm going with this, right?
The pandemic. We played horribly in Melbourne, for what fleeting time we had it. We sluggishly beat Carlton, scraped a draw with Collingwood and then lost comprehensively to Hawthorn (in retrospect.. what?) and a quickly rising St Kilda side.
Then, it all shut down. And when it came back, Queensland would be our home and a home that would be without two of our key support cast: Houli and Edwards. A further three would be injured: Astbury, Prestia and Nankervis. We were just wanting to put that knock to bed in an all time fashion.
We started to scrape together some form: wins over Sydney and Melbourne. A loss to GWS (which really was a loss to Toby Greene) hurt. But in true Ross Lyon fashion, the cobblers were cobbling.
Richmond started to resurface: dismantling of the dogs, banishment of the bears and a clawing of the cats showed that we had a gear. A loss to Port in a pulsating game off a four day break and no captain stung. But I had the wherewithal to claim on Facebook messenger that if we got another crack at them, we'd win. I asked my mate to screenshot it for posterity. He did gleefully, reveling in my perceived hubris.
We climbed to third with another important win against West Coast. Aside from one game in 2018, we've often saved our regular season best for them. Which is pleasing, as I can't stand anything about their club - from Julie Bishop to the mouth-breathing Subiaco outer, they're an unpleasant organisation. We stayed in third. And we were doing it mostly on the Gold Coast.
I would like to tip my hat to all the perceived cultural failings we had as a club this year; Lynch's irritable nature, Cotchin's slinging tackles, Hardwick making light of the Ox (poor form, admittedly), Stack and CCJs night out. But that narrative bores me. If I have to hear Gerard Whatley moralise one more time, I'll vomit. The bloke absolutely adores the state-sanctioned organised crime which is horse racing. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.
Either way, we became genuinely hated. The AFL subreddit went from Mensa to Bigfooty whenever a Richmond thread popped up. People lost their mind. Normally mild mannered and erudite football friends wanted Vlastuin and Grimes stricken from the sport for staging. Sam Collins became the AFL's Rosa Parks.
So, we lost a Qualifying final. The Bears actually played like the seasoned team here; they sensed we needed a discipline test and gave it to us. We failed the test. We gave away free kicks, fifties and lost our cool. They profited it. Fair play to them. Unfortunately for the rest of the competition, it just gave us another game to rectify our disciplinary issues.
We brushed aside the Saints. The fact that I haven't revisited the highlights from that game tells you all you need to know. We did what we had to do.
We then went to Adelaide for a Prelim against the team that had finished top. This was the game of the season, to my mind. Many, many teams would have fallen to Port that night. The occasion didn't get the better of them; this ferocious and outstanding team did. We got over the line by a goal. It was wet, it was fierce and it was the first time we'd won a final that was a true dogfight. Our legend grew. It was pleasing that it was Port, as Travis Boak has had some classless shots at Richmond through the media in the past. Thanks for coming, Trav.
The Grand Final pitted a team that had had a bruising encounter away from home versus a team that had had two walk-overs. One against an absolutely cooked Collingwood, the other against a suddenly nervous Brisbane. Were we beaten up, gassed? Were they flying?
I've already asked for one long indulgence if you're still reading this post, so let me have another quick nuff-take here: the media lead up made it feel a little like 2017. We were just there to watch Dangerfield's inevitable greatness commence, and Ablett's end.
I'm tired of typing. Can someone else describe the Grand Final for me? We won, it was eerily similar to the 2019 prelim. I'm exhausted thinking about it.
The important thing is: We slayed the knock. We slayed all of the knocks.
- One Season Wonders
- Injury List Miracles
Can't win without the 'big four'
Can't win away from the MCG
So, enjoy it Tiger fans. We are one hell of a team. One hell of a Dynasty. We are the equal of any historical Dynasty team. Don't let anyone take it away from you. Caution them about putting a knock, or an asterisk next to us - it'll just encourage us to go and win another under those prescribed conditions.
This may be a once in a life time team. There are players now that are certainly once in a life time players. Don't let anyone take it away from you: not here, not at work, not at home.
We are one hell of a club, and the rest is just salt.
Cheers.
submitted by LONGEVITY
Complete a Life Complete a full life All you have to do for this one is die. You probably have it by now, but if you're super attached to your first Bitizen, you can always save your Bitlife and play somebody else wastefully or hold out until they pass.
Octogenarian See your 80th birthday Nonagenarian 90th birthday Centenarian 100th birthday Super-centarian 110th birthday Mega-centarian 120th birthday Get on a healthy diet and garden and meditate twice a year. I like Nutrisystem. It's expensive, but I have advice for managing that below...
Strong Genes Achieve a 500-year generation Long Lineage 1000-year generation Living Legacy 5000-year generation Never don't have kids. I like leaving everything to the youngest child and playing as them, but that won't make your kids happy with you or your heir. Your call. Either way, it helps to have a couple Bitlifes going in case you get tired of living carefully. Sometimes you're gonna want to be more reckless, you know?
WEALTH
Millionaire Become a millionaire My Second Million Achieve a net worth of $2m Now that we have Royalty and Sports, this is a lot easier. Traditionally, if you're hot (95%+), drop out of high school and get your GED ($1k, you can do that in a couple years of dog walking/freelance gigs) and wait for a singer or actor career. If not, work hard in school and go to the gym often. Check your parents' stats and if they're generous make sure you pass your drivers test (maybe even ask if you can get a nicer one! immediately sell your car, they lose value fast) and take a martial art. It's much cheaper if they pay for it ($1K per tier in some countries) and gets you in good shape. If you're athletic, grind at a sport from middle school onwards. If you're not, try some athletic-adjacent clubs and go to the gym and for walks often. Pets count as additional walks which you can take from age 8+. When you're in good shape you can get a soccer scholarship (which can become a/)or a professional sports contract. More sports tips below, same with other careers. Basically try to get famous, not through politics. Or be hot and marry rich/have rich parents who die/be royal.
Multimillionaire Achieve a net worth of $10m Rich Net worth of $20m Super Rich Net worth of $50m Stinking Rich Net worth of $100m Get a couple million first, then invest it in real estate. Or do ads if you're famous and it won't ruin your career. Helps to be big on social media for influence on that stuff. Fix up 1M+ houses and flip them when they've hit a value of 2 or 3 million. If you've got great karma or you're a religious figure of some kind, exorcise some mansions. You can do it all that way, or keep grinding careers.
Bitionaire Achieve a net worth of $1b It's hard to get here from 0. Helps to leave everything to your youngest kid before you die after living a long, fruitful life. You can let your kid "take over" your assets at any time without tax now, that's the best way to do it. Then as soon as they're 18 make them famous/invest in real estate and repeat.
CAREER
Actor Become an actor Be hot. You can drop out at 16 and get your GED for $1k (ask your parents for money or do freelance gigs for a couple of years). If you're not, go to the gym and for walks often. Pets count as additional walks which you can take from age 8+. Grind at a sport in school if you can to keep your health well and get plastic surgery at 18. Generally if your appearance stats are low it's either a nose job or liposuction that will fix it. Always go to the best plastic surgeon. Marry rich if you have to or work for a couple years if you have to, but start the career as soon as you can. Always work 5 more hours a week than required and compliment your supervisor if their coolness is high. Sleep with people in Hollywood (bosses coworkers etc). Your spouse/parent will generally be mad if you're in rude magazines, so hold off on dating unless they're cool or make them deal with it.
Airplane Pilot Become an airline captain Grind in school and keep your mental health well. No drugs but drink if you feel like it, just make sure you can go to AA or whatever. Always work 5 more hours a week than required and compliment your supervisor if their coolness is high. If you're rich and you've inherited an airplane or you can afford lessons, take them. Go to University for a science thing that isn't biology lol. Start your Pilot Apprentice job.
At Inner Peace Work 75 years as a monk Follow my longevity tips above and don't party or drink or do drugs. Always be honest. Meditate. Don't date.
Candywriter Work for Bitlife Be born in Tampa, United States. Go to university for Information Systems. You'll get the achievement right away when you're hired.
CEO Become a CEO Go to school for Finance. Get a job. Work hard every year.
Dentist Become a dentist Go to university for biology, then dental school. Work hard every year.
Doctor Become a doctor Go to university for biology, then medical school. Work hard every year.
Fire Chief Become a fire chief Stay in good shape. Work hard every year.
Jack Of All Trades Have 10 careers in one life Work at retail and food service jobs for less than a year, then go to university to get even more opportunities. Keep going for different paths.
Judge Become a judge Lawyer Become a lawyer Go to school for english. Go to law school. Work hard every year.
Last Resort Seduce your boss to save your job Be hot. Work fewer hours than required at your job. Make sure your supervisor is attracted to your gender and low professionalism. When your boss tries to fire you, seduce them.
People Person Start with your less popular coworkers and work your way up. Pay attention to their stats so you know what they want. Get hard-to-get people with Bitlife Bitizenships ($5).
Combat
Armed & Dangerous Kill someone with a learned martial art move Get to the top level of a martial art, (especially in prison) pick someone old to attack. Start a fight with them.
Midieval Attack Get attacked with a midieval weapon Kinda chance. Just keep picking fights. You can get into a lot of fights if you're rude at nightclubs or to people on the street. Sometimes if you attack your loved ones or enemies with a weapon they'll kill you with a sword or something.
No Grasshopper Earn the top belt in a martial art Each martial art has 10 tiers. They can cost $1k+ if you're an adult so if you've got generous parents take advantage.
Sensei San Earn the top belt in every martial art Have health above 50% when you take a martial arts lesson. Follow above tips. Parents will probably only pay for one set of lessons, so pay for the other arts yourself as an adult. At $10k per martial art, it will probably cost you $40k-$50k.
Disease
Addicted Sustain 3 addictions at once Play Blackjack or go to the horse races often with mid-tier mental health. Get addicted to pills or some other hard non-psychedelic drugs. Start drinking last b/c it'll kill your health. Try not to let your Bitizen get depressed or you might die, lol. All addiction is dangerous so it may take a few tries.
Bubonic Plague Contract the bubonic plague Have low health and luck out. I got it in the UK.
Foam at the Mouth Contract rabies Try to take home every wild animal you see. One might bite you. If you succeed, take it to the vet. If it doesn't have rabies, release it. If it does, don't treat it! Take it home and bathe it until it bites you.
Sickly Contract 10 diseases in one life Best if you're not vaccinated, but just have mid-tier health and be really social. All afflictions count.
Successful Rehab Have rehab cured at a rehab center Go to fancy rehab if you can afford it. Do it from your military deployment to go AWOL.
Witchcraft Get cured of a disease by the witch doctor Eye of newt and cow tongue are iffy. Always start with health at 100. They've fixed cancer and sickle cell for me.
Entertainment
BitBoi Watch Bijuu Mike on YouTube BTS ARMY Go to a BTS concert Keep asking friends to watch YouTube/go to concerts every year until you get those options.
Movie Junkie Go to 5 movies in one life Moviegoer Go to a movie Go to the movies every year. It's good for your relationship if you go with somebody.
Fame
Brightest Star Achieve maximum fame Actor, model, writer, athlete career path. Keep doing every bonus thing (talk shows, books, pose nude, commercials) and verify on social media.
Centerfold Pose for Wank magazine Agree to pose nude every time until you get it. I think this one has women mostly but I can't remember.
Endorser Get paid $2m for a commercial Easy if you're a high paid actor or model doing an international commercial.
K-Pop Become a famous Korean singer See my wealth advice. Follow it with the "background singer" career and start in Korea.
Fertility
DNA Donor Make 25 sperm donations in one life This one is hard b/c you can only do it once a year and only until a certain age. So start at 18 and don't stop. I think you have to be American. Maybe UK and Canada too? Not legal everywhere. Try not to miss a year.
Fabulously Fertile Have 10 children in one life Fertile Myrtle Mother 25 children in one life Meditate every year. Start at 18. You have to be cis. Eat healthy and exercise. Get boyfriends and have unprotected sex with them so you don't get STDs. You can be a mother up until like 51 if you're healthy and lucky. Keep having sex until you get pregnant.
Smart Seed Get artificially inseminated with lawyer sperm Start at 18. You have to be cis. Be fertile (tips above). Keep pulling up the option to get artificially inseminated until a lawyer comes up. Don't listen to your partner if they don't want you to do it LOL.
Super Sperm Have 100 children in one life Be a cis dude. Meditate. Be handsome. Have a million girlfriends. Use the dating app to keep dating young women. Don't abandon any kids but leave girlfriends as soon as they're pregnant. Hire every surrogate that will take you if it's legal. Sue them for the max ($200k) if they bail (not miscarry).
Three's Company Have triplets Sometimes this happens if you're a dude with luck or while you're doing Super Sperm. Sometimes if you're a woman it's luck too or when you do IVF with your partner's sperm or other artificial insemination.
Military
Career Military Serve your full career in the military Tips for staying alive below. Retire as soon as you can.
General Achieve the rank of general in the military Be a good Army person. Grind at work like 5x a year. Keep in shape. Be nice to your seargeant.
Admiral Reach the rank of admiral in the military Be a good Navy person. Grind at work like 5x a year. Keep in shape. Be nice to your seargeant.
Absent Without Leave Go AWOL in the military Be deployed with an addiction and check into rehab. Whoops.
Excavator Clear 10 minefields Be deployed, and
use a minesweeper solver to not die if you suck at minesweeper.
Pet
Adopt Don't Shop Rescue every pet in the shelter You gotta have a few houses. Then you're good. You gotta do it all in one year so have like a lot of houses. Like 5 at least. Tips for getting rich above.
Horsing Around Own 50 horses in one life You gotta have a bunch of ranches. Buy a few horses a year. Tips for getting rich above.
Just Keep Swimming Buy a goldfish and release it. You can do this one as a kid too if your parent gets you a goldfish.
Natural Selection Rescue every pet in the shelter This one took forever. Just keep buying dangerous exotic pets and rescuing every dangerous animal you see. It's luck.
No Probllama Buy a Llama Buy a ranch in Afghanistan. Go pet shopping.
Prison
Aftermath Escape prison in a riot Instigator Prison riot Get good at Snake. Keep rioting. Works best in low security. Takes a couple tries, kind of luck.
Behind Bars Spend 50 years in prison True Lifer 75 years in prison Do a murder in a country without the death penalty (Canada). Murder with full health at 18. Get a prison job. Meditate and work out every year. Keep your head down. Try half-heartedly to escape every once in a while so you don't accidentally get parole or something. But if you get out you can always go back. Rob a bank or something. But keep your health and behaviour up in case you get sick and need to go to the infirmary.
Gangsta Join a prison gang Go to a medium or higher security prison.
Inmating Get a lover pregnant on a conjugal visit Be a cis man with high fertility. Have a good relationship (80%+) with an 18 year old cis woman. Make sure she isn't on birth control. Do a small crime, get a prison job, and meditate. Request a conjugal visit.
Justice Get freed from prison by appeal Be rich. Wait a couple years after you're sentenced for something non-violent.
Mercy Me Get granted clemency Be a nun or a monk for 50+ years. Don't retire. Do a murder. Get a prison job. Meditate, work out, go to the library, and write letters to home. You won't know until the year you're scheduled to die, so hold on.
Midnight Express Get sentenced to Turkish prison Be born in Turkey. Do a crime.
Theseus Escape a supermax prison There are a ton of
Bitlife prison guides. Do a murder and escape from death row.
Royalty
Executioner Execute 5 people Be king. Or queen. Top dog, either way. It helps to have enemies or friends to make enemies.
Markle Marry into the royal family Be a commoner in a country with royals. Be cute. Go on lots of dates. It'll pop up and be part of their name. They could be a viscount or whatever, no member of the royal family is too far removed.
Monarch Become a monarch Start as prince or princess and inherit the throne.
Napoleon Get exiled to a distant land Keep executing people. And do a bunch of disservice.
Reign Over Us Reign as monarch for 100 years In a country where Prince/Princess is top monarch or where your king/queen parents are low health/dying, keep your health up until you're a super-centarian (see above).
Sports
Canton Get inducted into the football hall of fame Be a great football player. Be famous. Play as long as you can. Keep being famous after football as long as you can. I stopped being famous at 40 and got inducted at 60.
Christiano Win the Ballon d'Or Be a European soccer player. Keep winning championships (see below).
Full Ride Win an athletic scholarship Start playing sports in middle school. Become captain of at least one team with a pro league.
Giggsy Win 13 career championships You can train each stat up twice in a turn if you trade teams, but you'll lose respect, so pick your moments. Grind your whole life. Keep going to the gym. Trade teams when you guys start losing. Stay on top.
Hooker Yell at a leopard Try out for professional rugby with high athletic stats. Choose Hooker as your position.
Lance Win a championship while doping It's safest to dope the year after a drug test. Try it for your second or third championship.
Real Estate
House Hunter Make $2m from flipping a house Buy a $2m house. Leave it to your kid. Sell it. See above.
Mansion Party Throw a party in a mansion Real Estate Mogul Purchase real estate worth $10m combined Trailer Party Party in a trailer Pretty straight forward. If you're broke start with the trailer party. Then buy mansions. Advice for getting rich above.
School
Brothers Forever Get hired by a frat brother Be a jock. See sports advice above. When you're in two sports at university, compliment the jocks' leader. Be good looking (plastic surgery if needed, see above) and google the answer to the question if you need it. Google high-level frats and pick one. Then when you get hired after school one of them might hire you!
Earning that A Seduce your teacher Be really attractive and compliment your teachers who are attracted to people of your gender. Take the opportunity to sleep with them if it arises.
Naughty Child Get expelled from school Be rude as hell to the principal/headmastedean
Swimming Star Start swimming as young as you can and stay in shape. "Work harder" every year.
Social Media
Social Media Join social media Social Media Sharer Post Social Media Oversharer Post 5 times Social Media Star Get a million followers Check! Get verified Join all social media platforms at 13. Be pretty and keep posting. Follow above advice to get famous in any public career to get more followers. Start with Instagram for verification around 100k. By the time you're a lead actosupermodel/etc you'll have 1m followers.
Vehicle
Antiqued Keep a car running for 200 years. Buy a brand new car. Do maintenance twice a year. Pass it on to your kid (18+) and repeat.
Car collector Assemble a car collection worth $1m Lambo Buy a Lamborghini Buy a lambo and a bunch of other fancy cars. Who cares. See advice above for money.
Not The Yellow One Buy a submarine You need $5b for this to show up reliably.
Titanic Trouble Run into trouble on a yacht Have a shitty yacht or shitty luck. Go for a bunch of rides.
Animal
Animal Rescue Rescue an animal Helps to have 100% smarts. Read childrens books so you don't have to tap too many pages. It'll only take two or three.
Deaf Leapord Yell at a leopard Buy a leopard from the exotic animals dealer and yell at it when it misbehaves.
Gorilla and the Fist Get decapitated by a gorilla I had to buy so many gorillas from the exotic animals dealer to get one crazy enough to decapitate me. Just keep bathing it and letting it attack you every year until it kills you.
Unicorn Find a unicorn Go for like 10 walks a year. Have good karma.
Hungry Hippo !!! NEEDED !!!
Apparently Egypt is good for this.
Lion Tamer !!! NEEDED !!!
Apparently Kenya is good for this.
Crime
Balcony Buccaneer Steal 100 packages in one life It's a lot easier to avoid punishment by wielding your title if you're a monarch. This one took me ages as a civiliian.
Burglar Burgle 25 homes in one life Play Snake well
Cold Killer Kill 10 people in one life Serial Killer Kill 25 people Start with random homeless people. If you're a royal exert your title to avoid punishment. Keep buying your way out of prison as long as you can. Then start killing other prisoners, start with the oldest and work your way down to the strongest ones. Work out and meditate every year. Pay guards for protection if you can but you probably won't be fucked with if you keep strong and murderous.
Dillinger Rob 5 banks in one life If you're royal you'll get away with it. Make sure you have a getaway car either way. Clown mask/closest equivalent and handgun/closest equivalent work best.
Scare to Death Scare someone to death Do a murder but pick scare to death. Works best if they're old.
Bugatti Bandit !!! NEEDED !!!
Going Anywhere !!! NEEDED !!!
LOVE
Black Widow Widow 5 husbands in one life Start using the dating app when you're 18 and go for old guys. Best if they don't have kids and if they're rich. Propose after you fuck when your relationship is at 100%. I like to be on birth control for this.
Golden Anniversary Be in a marriage for 50 years Diamond Anniversary Marriage for 75 years Keep seeing movies together and fucking and complimenting each other. Cute as hell. Just marry young and try to both stay alive.
Fake It Propose successfully with a fake ring Works best if you're rich and they love you and they're dumb.
Family Planner Convince a lover to go off birth control Be a cis man. Be in a strong relationship with a cis woman. Ask her to go off birth control. Easiest if you're married to her.
Maiden Named Marry a man who takes your last name Marry a man and don't change your last name. Kind of a luck thing. Make sure your relationship is strong.
Multigamist Get married 10 times in one life Pre-nups and widowing make this easier but do you. Love them and leave them. If you're a young guy it's really easy to get older women to agree to marry you.
Stud Have 100 lovers in a single life Hook up like crazy. Date all you can and fuck all of them. Use protection so you can stay alive.
Wedding Planner Agree to an arranged marriage I did this in India as a woman with wealthy, religious parents.
Bejeweled !!! NEEDED !!!
General
All Along Have a parent who comes out of the closet Could be luck. Or you can cheat it with a Bitizenship by making both parents gay and unreligious.
Begone Exorcise your own ghost Be an exorcist. Buy a haunted house. Do what you do best.
Booty Call Have a successful Brazillian butt lift Be healthy and have good karma. Use the best doctor. Cross your fingers. They still only work 1/3 of the time.
Cliff Diver Go cliff diving Hero Save someone's life Player Perks Accept a casino's hospitality offer Snake Snack Eat a snake ZAP! Get struck by lightning Random event
Dignified Donor Donate a 1m+ heirloom to charity Get your heirloom every day. Appraise it. Donate the first $1m+ one you get.
Flamin' Hot Survive 60 years on a Hot Cheetos diet Get liposuction every couple of years and work out and walk a lot. Have no other conditions. Do your best. Get pets for more walks. Garden. Try to survive. Start at 18.
Flee the Country Emigrate to escape justice Escape prison and emigrate
Frankenstein Survive 5 botched plastic surgeries Keep going to the bad doctor. Go for risky procedures like butt lifts. Space them out to get your health back up.
Goat Grabber Join a goat grabbing team Be athletic and join a goat grabbing team at school in Afghanistan
Human Dictionary Read the dictionary So much tapping. But eventually it will show up in your books. Be strong.
Hyperthymesia Score 20 sequences on the memory test The worst part of Bitlife. I did this one by writing 1,2,3 or 4 on a piece of paper according to which # square lit up with my right hand and doing the puzzle on my phone with my left hand. Still took like 5 tries and was really frustrating. Take breaks and come back with a clear head.
Jackpot Win the lottery jackpot Keep your karma high and buy 10 tickets 5 times a year. You'll get it eventually.
Lowroller Get refused entry to a casino Bet more money than you have on Blackjack. Once you're out of prison, try to come back. They'll turn you away.
Nightmare Wake up from a nightmare As a pilot, buy a terrible plane. When it crashes, accept your doom. You might wake up.
Paranightmare Contract PTSD after a paranormal experience Try to have bad mental and good physical health (a hard balance. Try gardening, dieting, and fighting with friends or loved ones) and then try to exorcise stubborn ghosts.
Perfection Achieve perfect stats Pretty easy. Work out, get plastic surgery (lipo or nose job to start) and go for walks, read children's books (3 should get you to 100%) and go to the movies or on vacation.
Rich Justice Win a $1m+ lawsuit Get fired from a really high paying job like CEO and win your lawsuit.
Run Bitizen! Win a bet on Bitizen There's Always Canada Emigrate to Canada Winnipeg, Eh? Visit Winnipeg Wait until it pops up as an option
Say Goodbye To Hollywood Get deported from the United States Move to the U.S. without permission. Get caught doing a minor crime.
Skeezy Get called "skeezy" Be an asshole at nightclubs and in the streets. Fight with your friends and coworkers, insult them and start rumours.
Sweepstakes Win the sweepstakes Set it up on a day where you'll be by your phone. Sign up every time you can.
Try & Stop Me Violate a restraining order Stalk your ex. Do it again after they file a restraining order.
Ultimate Betrayal Your spouse leaves you following a gender reassignment Have a terrible relationship with your heterosexual spouse. Get gender reassignment surgery.
Unethical Bribe a college official Be rich and have dumb kids.
Roswell !!! NEEDED !!!
Sacrilege !!! NEEDED !!!
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